Sunday, July 25, 2010

I miss her

Hey yall. Sorry I've been way too busy lately and haven't even turned on my laptop in 2 weeks. I don't have any new crafts to show you today, but do have something I just really need to share from my heart. I took a 3 hour nap today. I try to take naps every Saturday and Sunday, but usually they're about 2 hours. Today I kept almost waking up feeling like I couldn't breathe. I woke up more tired than I went to sleep. I was dreaming about how much I miss my Granny. She was the most wonderful woman in the world and was my best friend before I desserted the family in my stupid rebellious years. She was still there for me during that time, but we weren't as close as we should have been. She passed away in 1997 (or 1998, but I'm pretty sure it's 1997). I think about her a lot and I miss her a lot, but today was the first time in years I've sat and cried because I miss her so much. I had a meeting a church today at noon that I really didn't want to go to. On the way to the meeting, I thought about where I would really like to be at that moment if I could choose anywhere and anything. I decided I would love to be taking a nap under a handmade quilt with a box fan blowing away the summer heat. Then I decided the only thing better would be Granny in the next room cooking a special lunch for just the two of us. When I woke up I could go sit and talk with her the whole afternoon. Maybe that's why I have these strong feelings right now, because I thought of missing her before my nap. Maybe it's because I was able to hang out with my 2 favorite girls in the whole world yesterday--Aunt Pat and Ashley. We have things in common--Aunt Pat & I both love chocolate, but Ashley doesn't. Ashley & I both love swimming in the pool, but Aunt Pat doesn't. Aunt Pat & Ashley love hanging outside with goats & horses, but I don't. The biggest thing we all have in common is that our lives were shaped by this special woman. If she could see the 3 of us now, she would be so proud of what we have each overcome and accomplished since she's been gone. She never got to meet Jason or my kids. She never got to meet Ashley's husband Keith. She never got to see James grow up to be an adult. I never learned how to make biscuits like her. These days relationships are so superficial. We show our friends only what we want them to see of ourselves. Granny knew me better than I knew myself. She was there to listen to me when I was afraid to tell my parents something. She was also there to tell me when I was doing something wrong. She also was sure to let me know when I was doing something right. I'm not sure why I am so emotional over her today, but I miss her more than I've ever missed anything in my life. Even now I can barely see the computer screen through the tears. Jason and the kids are gone to the youth swimming fellowship and bible study, so I've got about an hour and a half to recover and get back to life in the present. I know Jason would hold me in his arms and listen to me empty my soul, but it's hard to think he would completely understand since he didn't meet her. He lost his grandmother last year and it hasn't been easy on him, but I still for some reason feel like this is different. I just hope I can use this experience of going through my memories with her to remind me to show those around me how important they are and to give the very best of myself in everything I do, whether it be washing the dishes, listening to one of my kids, or even making spreadsheets at work. So often I don't completely follow through with everything because I get so overwhelmed with my to do list. Instead of halfway doing everything on my list, maybe I'd be better off prioritizing and completing half the items and letting the other items take care of themselves. If you're still reading, I'm glad you stayed til the end and I appreciate this opportunity to share my struggle today. I pray that God will help you in whatever your struggle may be today and in the days ahead. Have a great evening and be sure to show someone they matter.


Bee's hive said...

You'll see her go to church so you know this right? And your little ones will meet her too, in time. This may sound morbid to some but it makes me feel calmer thinking of my Boompa(Grandpa) waiting for me, and then we will wait for my children. Pray before you sleep and ask God to give her a message, and I'm sure he will.
By missing someone doesn't it just show how wonderful they were here on Earth? That's love.

Aunt Pat said...

Aw Jenn. I just read your blog. I haven't checked it in a while and I didn't know you had such a hard day. I think about Momma a lot too and a lot of days I wish she were here for me to talk to in person. I would want her well tho, not in the condition she was in when she left us. I know she knows how much we love and miss her. We showed her while she was here so she took that with her. I'm glad we can laugh over things that we remember. She was such a good Momma and a terrific Granny! We will be with her again one day. I love you so much and I appreciate all the little things you do for me.