Thursday, February 25, 2010

I'm talking to myself...

If you're wanting to read a happy go lucky blog post, you might want to go elsewhere. Don't say I didn't warn you! This is gonna be a post of me talking to my imaginary friends. Hopefully I'll sort through some thoughts and feelings in this post while I'm at it. Where to start??? I can't do it all. There--I said it. I'm so overwhelmed right now I don't know which way is up. My job is so freakin hard that I don't think I can do it and I just wanna go home and climb in bed with the electric blanket cranked up and forget about the world around me. I have a wonderful family, but I seem to constantly snap at them because I'm so exhausted. I like to do my crafts, but here lately when I have a few spare minutes I'm too tired to actually sit at my craft desk. The glass etching business is going great. I've got plenty of orders to work on right now, just no time. I'm going to a ladies' bible study at church right now and I really enjoy it. The topic is learning to hear from God. I've realized through this study that I've never really followed God's plan or even asked what He wants me to do. Instead, I do what I think is best and say a quick prayer asking the God of the Universe to bless my decision. I truly believe that if I would stay where God wants me and follow the path He has made for me that life would be so much easier. I'm trying so hard to stay in His Will right now and not make rash decisions. One question that the bible study leader (on the DVD) asked was if we were so unhappy with our current state in life that we were ignoring God. I wonder if that's me sometimes. I wonder is I have put myself in this spot I'm in or if God is trying to teach me something right now. If He's trying to teach me something I hope I learn the lesson so I don't have to go through this again. I've started wondering if maybe this is a medical issue that's getting out of control. Maybe the medicine is not controlling my high heart rate as well as it used to and that's why I'm exhausted. Maybe the exhaustion is making everything so much harder to deal with. I just know I'm tired and don't see any end in sight. I'm trying to make the best of everything, but I'm still tired. I can't think about next week because I know work will be out of control stressful for me for the next 2 weeks. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just walked in my boss's office and told her that I don't have what it takes. I don't know who else could do it, but I certainly can't. Not that I'm saying I would walk in and quit, but just that I would let everyone know that I can't do it. Just admit that it's beyond me and do what little I can. How do people work a 40 hour a week job and leave it at the door when they walk out? I want to do that. I want to have job satisfaction instead of feeling like such a failure because I can't do it all. I don't want to think about home while I'm at work and I don't want to think about work while I'm at home. It's time for me to go to my Heart to Home meeting now, but I want to clarify--I have a great job. I have a great family. I have a great church family. I just feel I'm in over my head right now and can't tell which direction is up. I'll get better. I don't know how, but it will happen. God knows where I am. He sees me. He sees my struggles. I can't give up. I have to keep going because He hasn't told me to do anything different. Hopefully this long post will act as a sort of therapy and make me feel better. I will ask a few things from my readers. You can pray for me, but don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I know a few people who read my blog, but I don't know everyone who reads. I probably shouldn't share my little meltdown with the unknown, but that's a choice I have made. I hope you all have a good evening. Just a few more hours until I get to climb under the electric blanket...

1 comment:

Christina said...

Jenn its ok to feel that way we all get there. I don't work and still have days like that. You will pull through this but yes ask God to Guide you rather then saying ok here is what I am doing hope its ok. He might be telling you just listen a little harder. Big Hugs you will reach the right decision.